This story happened a good three hundred years ago as all good Scottish stories do, in a place called "Debateable Grund", for it was neither in the Highlands or in the Lowlands, but a wee bit of each.

The gudewife of Debateable Grund had lost her husband some years earlier with a wee bairn in her arms to fend for. Everyone was sorry for her, but nobody was prepared to step forward and actually help her. She prayed and relied on her sow, Jenny, to have piglets, because they would always bring a good price at the market.

Alas, one unfortunate season even Jenny the sow failed her, and when one day she went to fill the trough for Jenny, she saw that the old sow was not keen for her food: in fact she looked more like she was ready to die.

The gudewife fairly lost her heart that day, she feel to her knees, and with bairn in arms wept like she had not done before; even more so than when her man had found himself lost.

Gudewife: Wah-ah-ah-ah! What to do?

She dried her eyes and began to think.

By chance her eyes feel to look toward the town, and there she saw an old woman who looked like a lady coming along the path to the cottage.

Insert Music: Dude Looks Like a Lady

Dressed in green, with a white apron and a black hat she approached the tearful lass. Lifting herself from the stone path that she had been kneeling on, gudewife gave a polite curtsey.

Gudewife: Madam, you see before you one of the most unfortunate women alive. Wah-ah-ah!

Lady: Keep your piper's news and your fiddlers tales to yourself, gudewife your man is lost but Scotland has had worse lost than that - your sow is sick, I know that too, and that is why I am here! How much will you give me if I cure your sow?

Gudewife: Anything, if you can cure Jenny I'll give you anything you ask.

Lady: It's a bargain. I'll keep you to that promise.

Then the Green Lady made her way to Jenny's sty. She gave a very long look at the beast, and then under her breath something that sounded like:

Lady: From out of her pocket the Green Lady produced a wee bottle with some oily stuff in it, then began to rub it into the sow - behind the ears, above the snout and on the tip of her tail. Then gave her a smart slap on the rump.

With a grunt the sow got to her feet and headed straight for the trough for her breakfast, as if nothing had ever been wrong.

Lady: I have cured your beast now it is your turn - I am not a greedy woman - I only want one thing in return, I will be happy to take that wee lad from you as payment.

It was too late. In her grief the gudewife had failed to realize who, or what, she had been bargaining with. A Fairy Woman. It was clear to her now that she had dealt with a fairy, as it was well known in those days that fairies were always trying to steal away wee boy babies.

Gudewife: Wah-ah-ah-ah!

But her screams were no use.

Lady: You may as well spare me - and yourself too - all that din, what a to-do, screaming as if I was deaf as a post! I'm for your bairn, woman! But by te law that governs fairyland I can't take him from you till the third day from today, and not even then if you are able to tell me what my name is!

And with that the fairy woman went away down the brae again, while the gudewife fell back into a swoon.

Gudewife: Wah-ah-ah-ah!

For two days the gudewife could not sleep or work, worried that soon there was nothing she could do to stop the fairy from taking er boy away from her. On the second day she decided to take a walk in the hills, if nothing else than to spend her last time with her son. A thirst came over the gudewife when out walking, and in following the a nearby stream she came across an old cave. A peculiar sound came from the cave - a sort of moaning sound like that of dying cats and a voice singing as if some great opera singer suddenly became tone deaf. She crept quietly into some nearby bushes where she carefully peeked into the cave, and who could she see but the Green Fairy Lady spinning away and singing to herself:

Lady: I could have danced all night.

No, the other song.

Lady: I'm so pretty, oh so pretty. I'm so pretty and witty and . . .

No, the Other song.

Lady: (grunt) Little kens that dame at hame, that Whuppity Stoorie is my name!

The gudewife ran home with joy in her heart. She knew the fairies name and had saved her son!

The third day came, and the gudewife sat on the stone path ready for the return of the Green Fairy Lady. She pulled her cap down over her face and pretended to sob.

Gudewife: Wah-ah-ah-ah!

Lady: Here you! Just stop that noise and give me what you know I have come all this way for!

Gudewife: Wah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Lady: Shutup already!

Gudewife: Och, och, sweet madam, will you not spare me my bairn and tae Jenny the sow in his place?

Lady: Hmmmm . . .

The Green Fairy Lady looked over the sow, which caused the sow no end of concern, but finally turned to the gudewife.

Lady: The deil tak' your sow! I'm no here to get swine flesh. No! a bargain is a bargain.

Gudewife: Och eee, lady mistress, will ye not take myself and spare the poor bairn?

Lady: The deil's in you, you daft wench! - who in all the world with half an eye would take an ugly jade like you?

At that, the offended gudewife sank in a low, menacing curtsey before the green lady and said

Gudewife: Well, your ladyship, I'm sure I should have had the wit to know one thing - that I am not fit to tie the shoe strings of such a high and mighty madam as - Whuppity Stoorie!

And if a mine had been set off under the green fairy woman she couldn't have jumped higher - no higher - no higher.

Lady: This is all the higher you're getting.

With the surprise she got! Stamping and swearing at the ground, the Green Fairy Lady went storming off down the brae - screeching as she went.

Lady: Wah-ah-ah-ah!

The gudewife of Debateable Grund - laughing like to kill herself - picked the bairn and went back into her cottage for she had beaten Whuppity Storie.