Now, I want to be telling you how arguments are solved in Scotland. Now, this story could be about any auld couple in Scotland, but it's not. This story is about a particular couple who lived in Fife some two hundred years ago.

Gudeman, or husband as you might call him, was a hard working crofter. He worked hard each day lookin' after the sheep. From dawn to dusk he chased the sheep and when he came home at night he was tired. So, he would fill his pipe, and draw a mug of ale, pull off his boots, and sit in front of the fire with his feet up.

Gudewife, why she hardly worked at all. Each day she rose at dawn and made the beds, and washed the sheets, and baked the bread, and swept the floors, and fed the chickens, and sloped the pigs, and gathered the eggs, and mended the clothes, and darned the socks, and scrubbed the pots, and cooked the meals, and... you get the picture.

On this particular day in question, Gudeman had returned from his hard day of chasing sheep, and was in his customary place by the fire. Gudewife was busy at the table making a pudding for their supper. Now any of you that has ever made a pudding knows that you must knead the dough in order for the pudding to rise, and Gudewife was doing just this when she looked up and noticed that the door had not been barred. "Gudeman," she said, "would ye be so kind as to get up and bar the door, I am up to my elbows in the pudding."

But Gudeman did not wish to move from his comfy spot by the fire and replied, "Wife, can't ye no see that I've worked hard all day and am tired. Why don't ye bar the door yourself."

Ladies and gentlemen, an argument ensued the likes of which you've never seen. There was shouting, there was fist waving, there were windows rattling and roof shaking, there were strange and unusual gestures; until finally an agreement was reached: the first one to speak another word would get up and bar the door.

Let me tell you good people, silence ensued in that house for the first time in thirty years. Gudeman went back to his chair by the fire, and Gudewife went back to her pudding.

Not to much later, a pair of robbers came along the high road and seeing the cottage decided to approach. They snuck up to the front door, knocked loudly upon it, and cried "Hello the house!".

Not willing to lose the argument, neither Gudeman nor Gudewife spoke up. Hearing no answer, the robbers decided to enter and help themselves to what little they might find within. Upon entering, they were momentarily shocked by the sight of the silent couple, but soon determined that neither of them seemed likely to interfere, so they set about their work. They stole the silver quaich, they took the brooch given to Gudewife by her grandmother, they took Gudeman's pipe, and when they had stolen everything of value the couple owned, they sat down and ate Gudewife's pudding. After they had eaten, they decided to have some sport.

One of the robbers took a liking to Gudewife. He looked at her from across the room. He walked over and took her in his arms. He threw her deep into a dip, and kissed her thoroughly. Now Gudeman was none to happy about this, but he was not about to lose the argument, so he did not say a word.

The second robber, not being inclined to kiss Gudewife, looked at Gudeman from across the room. He walked over and took him in his arms. He threw him deep into a dip, and proceeded to shave his beard. Well the indignity was more than Gudeman could bear. "Wife," he called out, "are ye goin' to let them commit such atrocities against me? Have ye naught to say to this?"

And Gudewife answered with the only thing she could say; "Gudeman, you spoke first... Get up and bar the door!"

And that is how arguments are solved in Scotland!