An old beggar, with a bonnet in his hand, appealed to a clergyman for " a bit of charity." The minister put a piece of silver into the bonnet. "Thank ye, sir! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for this, ane of these days."

A preacher being sent to officiate on Sunday at a country parish, was accommodated at night in the manse, in a very small closet, instead of the usual "best bed" appropriate for strangers. "Is this the bedroom?" asked the preacher when hs saw it."
"Deed ay, sir," responded the lady of the house, "this is the prophet's chaumer."
"It must be for the minor prophets, then" was his quiet reply.

A clergyman requested of one of the more affluent parishioners to help provide the funding for a new stove as the church was very cold. The parishioner replied, "Cold, sir? Then warm it with your doctrine. John Knox never asked for a stove in his kirk."

In the highlands, daily worship was often done at home. One day, a clergyman asked one of his parishioners, "Jock, I hope you hold family worship regularly."
"Ay, sir, in the time of year."
"In the time of year?" asked the clergyman.
"Ye ken, sir, we canna see in winter," replied the parishioner.
"Then Jock, you should buy candles."
"Ay, sir, but I'm afraid the cost might overgang the profit."

A clergyman in Aberdeen often found his way to drink. Finally, the church summoned him to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, a constant companion to the clergyman was cited as a witness.
"John, did you ever see the minister the worse for drink?"
"I would have to say no. Many is the time I have seen him better for it, but never the worse."
"But did you ever see him drunk?"
"That I hae ne're seen; for is he's half-slock'd, I'm a blind fool."

A clergyman who owed his situation to his patron rather than to his abilities used to visit his parishioners until one day when he asked a particularly stubborn old man, "Who made Paul a preacher?"
"It wasna the Duke of Queensbury."

A clergyman often found his way to drink. One Sunday morning the melody of the psalms lulled him to sleep. The people had finished their praises ere he had finished his nap. The presenter found it necessary to wake him, whispering, "It's done, sir."
To with the clergyman replied, "The fill't again."

A clergyman, famed for his dry sermons, went to visit one of his parishioners for a cup of tea. It took some time for the pot to boil and the clergyman remarked, "Gudewife, your tea runs rather slowly."
"Och ay, it's like you. It has bad delivery."

A clergyman stopped in the middle of his sermon one day to address a parishioner who looked to be sleeping. "Are ye hearing me, Jock?"
"Oh, yes, sir," replied the parishioner, "I'm hearing, but to very little purpose."

During a tril in Leith, one fo the witnesses was asked, "Do sermons delivered and not read edify you the most?"
The witness replied, "I consider that if ministers cannot remember their own sermons, it is perfectly unreasonable to expect their hearers to do so."

A clergyman in the pulpit introduced the work "hyperbolical" to wit he explained. "Now, my friends, some of you may not understand this work hyperbolical; so let me explain. Suppose that I were to say that this congregation were all asleep in this church at the present moment, I would be speaking hyperbolically; because, lookin around, I don't believe that more than half of you are sleeping."
At that moment those nodding off recovered nudging their sleeping neighbors, as the preacher went of as if nothing had happened.

"No, my gude barins," said a schoolmaster to his class, "there's another instance o' the uncertainty of human life; ane o' your schoolmates, a fine wee lassie, went to her bed well at night, and rose a corpse in the morning."

A magistrate from Glasgow heard one of his opponents had accidentally shot himself and died. When the magistrate was asked for a comment he replied, "I wish he had taken two-three of his friends 'afore he went."

In Aberdeenshire, it was believed that the ghost of the person last buried kept the gate of the kirkyard till relieved by the next victim. Should there be two burials to take place on the same day, both parties staggered forward as fast as possible to consign their respective friend to the ground first. Should both parties meet at the gate, the dead were thrown down till the living could decide who should go first, the argument often coming to blows.

A clergyman was administering consolation to a dying Highlander, when the clergyman was shocked byt the patient asking if there "was any whisky in heaven?" Half apologetically the Highlander added, "Ye ken, sir, it's not that I care for it, but it looks good on the table."

A farmer went to see his neighbor who was dying. "I've come to settle that bit of land we've argued over these many years."
"Settle't?" cried the dying man. "How will you settle't? Your father couldna settle't, your grandfather couldna settle't. How will you settle't?"
"Oh," said the farmer, "I'll let you have it altogether."
"But I'll no tak it." And with that the man turned his face to the wall and died.

When a clergyman was administering to a dying highland chief, the clergyman was trying to urge the highland chief to forgive his enemy. Finally, the clergyman said, "Vengeance in mine, saith the Lord."
"To be sure, it is too sweet a morsel for a mortal." The highland chief replied. Then added, "I forgive my enemies. But the de'il take my son if he does the same."

"I dare say, gudeman, ye have drunken a house in your time," said the sober gudewife.
"Well, Jean, I'll no say yer wrong, but I'm thinking it's a bit thick for I find the roof still stuck in me throat."

Maggy was headed home one evening with the help of an extra glass and an empty stomach. A clergyman passed by and said, "The road is over narrow for you, Maggy!"
"Hout sir," replied Maggy, "how can I gang steady with nothing but whiskey for ballast?"

A highlander was once asked what he would wish for should he be granted three wishes.
"The first for a spot of gude whisky."
"The second for a gude snuff."
And after a long pause for thought, "And third for a spot of gude whiskey."

Gudeman was lying down drunk ane night when his wife happened upon him. "Can ye no find yer way home, Gudeman?" she asked.
"I was no looking for it," replied gudeman.
"That's because you can no see past the nose on yer face," retorted gudewife.
"That's no true, for as soon as the mist is gang awa' I can see the moon."

Two neighbor's lived next to each other for years, all the while one had a fine set of hens that laid beautiful white eggs. And every morning the gudewife would go out to the hen house, gather the eggs and take them to market. Well, one day, the other neighbor, a bit grieved at never having tasted one of the eggs, says, "James, I like you well and I think we have been good neighbors and I very much admire your hens, but I can not say I admire your wife."
"O indeed, sir, " replied the neighbor with the hens. "I'm no surprised at that for I dinna much admire her myself."

To old Scotsmen meet on the road to wit one asks, "Are ye well?"
"Auch Aye, thanks for asking if we're well; only my gudewife's dead."

Two farmers were out in the evening talking when one said to the other, "Jock, I hear folks say there's a man in the moon."
"Och ay," said the other, "I've heard o' him, but he canna be very fond o' his ain wife, for he's glowering this way."
About that time his gudewife chimes in, "She canna be too fond of him with the mug he has on him."

In the Scotch Prebyterian Eloquence(1693) Mr Areskine prayed in the Tron Kirk the previous year, "Lord, have mercy on all fools and idiots, and particularly on the magistrates of Edinburgh."

A very old domestic servant offended his master to the point he was asked to leave. "In troth, I will not," answered the servant. "If your honour dinna ken whn ye hae a gude servant, I ken whan I hae a gude master."

A master went to his servant to let him go, "Joh, you and I shll never sleep under the same roof again."
"Where the de'il can you be ganging?"

Soon after James VI of Scotland became James I of England, several generals from either country were at a dinner party. An English General stood up and exclaimed, "Gentlemen, when I am in my cups, and the generous wine begins to warm my blood, I have an absurd custom of railing against the Scots. Knowing my weakness, I hope no gentleman in the company will take it amiss."
In reply Sir Robert Blackie of Atholl stood up, "Gentlemen, when I am in my cups, and the generous wine begins to warm my blood, if I hear a man rail against the Scots, I have an absurd custom of kicking him at once out of the company. Knowing my weakness, I hope no gentlemen will take it amiss."
The English General did not suffer his usual custom.

Hung in a Glasgow warehouse: "No credit given here, except to those who pay money down."

A drover, fresh from the highlands, had no knowledge of ebb tides. He arrived on day at the Craig Peir, with a flock of sheep, intending to cross over to Fife. It being low tide, the captain told him to wait for an hour, "as he would not have enough water to float from the pier."
"Och, man! If ye dinna hae water enough in the sea, where will ye get it?"

A servant accompanied his master to Italy. But when the servant was asked what he would do with an estate there if he owned one, the servant replied, "Please your honour, I would sell it, and buy a farm in Lochaber."

Two highlanders were traveling along the side of a quarry with the bonnet of one was blown off and down to a ledge in the quarry. The larger of the two highland men suggested he dangle the smaller man down the cliff with a rope to fetch the hat. And soon enough the smaller highlander was at the ledge with hat in hand. When the smaller highlander called to his friend to haul him up again he received this reply, "Hold a moment, Jock, till I get a pipe lit." at the same moment letting go his hold of the rope. Fortunately there was enough water in the quarry below to break the fall of his friend dangling from the rope.

Two highlanders were lying in a field when one turned to the other, "Sleeping, Torval?"
"No Duncan," was the ready answer.
"Then would you lend me ten shilling?"
"I'm sleeping now," came the reply.